Heavier Things.....

There have been moments when I’ve felt lighter

Airy
More
FREE

Less tied to things
Clothes fit differently
I wasn’t as winded


Colors seemed brighter
And I didn’t feel like some force was holding me back



There are days when I feel so
DAMN
Heavy
From the weight of my body
My Job
that really isn’t a hard job
And sometimes extremely fulfilling
But
Lacks something…


Sometimes it lacks enough money on my paycheck to meet my needs
But
I manage
Because no point in making somebody else’s life
Heavy
Just to lighten my load



But then sometimes
Days come and go and

I Float.....

Like the days when everything I planned goes
JUST the way it should’ve
Or when a random stranger tells me I’m beautiful
Or somebody calls me just to say
Hey Shellz

“I love you for exactly who you are”

I appreciate those days
But mostly….

I feel heavy

Not in a burdened down kind of way
But like I’m not packing light enough

Like I have too much stuff that I am dragging behind me…


I was talking to this guy the other day and he said
“Let me give you a metaphor for your life”



I was thrown off when he said that..
because he really doesn’t know me
but I asked him
To enlighten me
and thats exactly what he did
when

He said

“If you attempt to do something and you fail, and attempt to do it again and fail, and come back harder and stronger and attempt it again and fail, What do you do?”

I said
“You stop trying”

He said
“That’s you and your views on relationships”

I sat in silence on the other end of that phone for a matter of minutes and it hit me
That he was right.....


JACKPOT!!!!!

That’s what I’ve been dragging behind me all this time

FEAR
And FEAR is heavy as hell…
And I’m kinda tired
of lugging it along.....

I’ve never considered myself a quitter
But every time I get
“back in the game”
I get disappointed

by

People not being who they say they are
Not being capable of loving how I need to be loved

And lets keep it real that will wear anybody out
So...
 because of that

I’ve been lugging my failures along with me
every day

Its weird  though because they don’t
worry me

But
They do dictate how I make my decisions
And I’m not sure if
That’s the right thing to do…

When I got off the phone with him
I sat on my couch and cried
Because
though I didn’t want to hear what he said
He was
Really really
Correct

I feel my heaviest
When
I haven’t
Unloaded some of the things I know are heavy
on my heart

I called him back once I got myself together
And thanked him for using such a simple metaphor
To help me
Release

He was understanding, kind, and  gracious
and
I am grateful for that…



(Don’t get excited yall.. it’s not that type of party)



Its funny how someone can only know you for a short period of time
And read you so well…..

I felt lighter after
I
Came to terms with what he said

But I know that I am human
And
heavier days will return

But Im not worried
because
The great thing about that is…

When you know what it is that is weighing you down
You can
CHOOSE
 to carry it with you

Or

DIET
 (spiritually, emotionally, and physically)
Until you feel
Light again……



*Exhales

*Smiles

I love my life…….

I really do........