A Beautiful Mess....

I’m a beautiful mess

I’m sure to some the beautiful part is debatable

But

That’s just how I feel…

 If you read this blog regularly 

you know that I feel

 spiritually besieged

I have a lot going on and have been in disarray when it comes to my

relationship with God..

Don’t get me started on the whole dating scene

And I have to be honest in saying that I’ve even been questioning a lot of my

friendships as of lately

I know that a lot of the things that bother me are the

direct result of my tendency to over think things

but I CANT for the life of me be a

surface

type of person….

I have to feel connected to things

Have understanding and answers to the why’s and how’s

I need people around me who speak about prospective greatness

as opposed

to all of things that aren’t right

and when I don’t feel that

I shut down….

The other day in church

I heard this man telling a story about his daughter

He was such a proud father, and thought it would be humorous to

share a story about how his daughter got into her mothers lipstick

he said his little girl took the lipstick and smeared it all around her lips

she put some on her cheeks,

 her forehead,

and even colored her arms 

and legs

with

 this bright shade of red lipstick…

when

he got to the top of the stairs

he saw her running out of the room

and he stopped her..

 he said he was little taken aback

because

she looked absolutely ridiculous, and the first thing out of his mouth

Was

“Honey, what have you done? You are a mess!!!”

He was chuckling as he told the story

and everyone was laughing

Because the thought of this cute little 3 yr old girl covered in

Red lipstick

 is kind of funny…

He went on to say that

 after he said to his daughter

“Honey you are a mess”

she looked at him with a blank expression

 and said

“ But daddy aren’t I beautiful”

and he shook his head

and said to her

“Yes you are, but let’s get you cleaned up”

and it hit me…

that is me!!!

covered in my foolishness

problems smeared on my forehead

bright shades of confusion on my face

colors of doubt up and down my arms and legs  and

I’m constantly asking GOD

 to think I’m beautiful…

I have to be honest in saying that this whole situation with the church

Has given me an excuse to run from my spirituality

And I’ve been seeking my answers from man about how to maneuver through all of this

But haven’t really talked to GOD about it a much as I should’ve

I’m a beautiful mess because

As transparent as I may seem on this blog

Yall still have no idea the things I struggle with the most

I bet God is constantly saying to me

“Shellz you are a mess but lets get you cleaned up”

and I don’t even hear him…

because I’m too busy trying to create justification for my foolishness

I’m hard on myself and I know that

But somebody has to hold me accountable for my lack of spiritual consistency

And I figured the best person to do that

would be me…..

I’m writing this blog because I feel like

 I need to take ownership for my shortcomings

I know I’m not perfect, I don’t pretend to be

But in case you haven’t noticed

What matters most to me

Is living my life with PURE purpose…

I just want to feel like I’m walking in the direction 

I’m supposed to walk in

I know

that I cant do that alone…

I’m a beautiful mess

but at least I am honest enough too take ownership of that

As I come to end of this blog I’m asking you guys not to read to deeply into

The message about ME

but to think about your mess as well

and how great it feels

to have someone around you that says

“Yes you fell of track and bruised yourself a bit, but lets get you cleaned up”

Have you done that for anyone lately?

Self encouragement is wonderful, but there is power in numbers..

I’m ok yall

If you know me, you know that I am always seeking ways to become a better woman

Don’t text me or call me asking where all of this is coming from 

because asking me that means 

you don’t know me at all…

I don’t just write when I am down or depressed

I share my epiphany’s,  Aha moments, and struggles because 

I not afraid to do that…

This blog is the direct result of me being honest with myself about how

I’ve been spiritually

Take it for it what is..

Nothing more, nothing less

That’s all I’m asking yall…

I’m asking that

And that most of all 

that you respect

My beautiful mess….

I love yall

No, really I do

-Shellz