Such a Big EGO

“Your ego is your defense—showing up whenever you pretend to be someone you're not. That's why finding the space where the true you abides is paramount”.- Martha Beck

So my best friend called me last night and asked me if I had been watching Oprah’s Life class series. I had heard about it, but totally forgot to set the DVR so that I could participate. During our conversation she asked me if she wasn’t in the career field she was in now, what I thought she would be doing with her life.

I

told her I saw her educating people. She’s always been the type of person to tutor, or volunteer with teen advocacy centers, and now that I think about it..

She’s was happiest when she was

doing that..

We continued our conversation, and had this deep discussion about ego, and what ego really is, and how it can keep you from being your true self. She mentioned to me that during one of the “Life Classes” on Oprah  there was mention of J.K.  Rowling (Harry Potter Author) and how before she became a famous author.

She was a single mom, working a menial job, and basically living check to check.  She was content in her position for the most part, and wasn’t a failure in any way..

But she wasn’t living the life she was destined to live. It wasn’t until one day she took a risk and sat down and wrote her first book that she realized she was destined to be an author.

So my best friend said to me “Shellz you are a writer. A famous writer and you are letting your ego get in the way of that” She mentioned how ever since we were kids I communicated best when I wrote things down. How when we were younger she wrote a lot too, but it was more so of a hobby for her, but for me.. it was apart of my DNA.. it was who I was..

and

She’s right…

I’ve said this a million times before, that the reason I haven’t sent my full manuscript in or haven’t hit the self publish button on my work is because I am afraid of the rejection.

My ego is constantly telling me that if EVERYONE doesn’t see things the way I see them that I am failure

But that’s not true… People have their opinions, many of them will differ from mine and I have to be ok with that…

Its  just that…

I have a lot to say and in some strange way

This book, this blog, my words, it is my ministry

What if it falls on deaf ears?

People come up to me after they read my work and say

“shellz you were really singing my blues, and what you said put things into perspective for me”

And believe it or not.. that is scary to hear

This is MY LIFE yall

If I expose myself, and I mean my true authentic self and people don’t “get it”

I don’t think I can handle that..

Or can I?

And I am allowing my ego to get in the way of that??

In my mind I have always attributed ego to arrogance

I never thought of it in its true state…

It really is a false definition of yourself

And the root of it.. is

lack of faith and to keep it all the way real

It comes from some esteem issues as well

Ego

Has caused me a lot of contention in my life and why I continue

to allow that

is beyond me.

Unhappy relationships- Ego

Weight Gain- Ego

Holding back how I feel- Ego

Editing myself- Ego

Inhibiting the evolution of myself- E- to the- G- to the O

Its such a small word, with a large implication

My Ego and I need to have a talk

Maybe Shellz needs to say to Ego

That there is no room for both of them if I am supposed to live my true authentic life

I don’t know…

I’m just glad I can define what it is that is  holding me back

And can give it a name.. because until this week…

I thought it was a lack of talent, or the inability to find the right words

But its not that..

Its my ego…

And I’m about to put it in check..