33 and such....

Today is the last day I will be 32
And
Thanks be to God when I wake up tomorrow
I can say I'm in a 33 year old head space

Which in my mind
is somewhere between
here
and wherever I am supposed to be going….

And that’s ok….

You know, the 30s have been interesting for me. I feel real certain about a lot of things
yet extremely indeterminate about others.

I have to be truthful and say I was feeling a little anxiety about turning 33 at first and not because I am unhappy about anything
I guess, I just expected to be doing something different.
I mean, let’s be honest here
I don’t have children or a husband and when I was 23,
you couldn’t have sold me the dream I am living right now,
for any amount of money in the world…..

BUT, you know me, I don’t believe in extended pity parties
and though this mind of mine races
and runs, and completely exhaust itself.. I am still finding the joy
in just being who I am.


Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and think
“who are you?”

It’s like, internally I know who I am..
I know what I believe and what I stand for
I know what compromises I am willing to make
But still
sometimes…
I just don’t recognize myself..

I mean
Where the hell did all these hips come from?
And why is so hard to get my skin back to having that youthful glow?
Or
Why is it that 5 years ago I could lose 15 pounds in a matter of weeks
and now…….
I can eat spinach and apples for breakfast, lunch and dinner
FOR 4 MONTHS STRAIGHT
and ONLY
loose a whopping
3 pounds…

and
When did Fig Newton’s become a tasty snack to me?
Isn’t that considered a “yummy elderly treat”?

its like I get home from work
Change my clothes, sit down on the couch to relax
And I’m craving Fig Newtons..
What happened to Now or Laters
Or Jolly Ranchers….

What’s next, Prune Cobbler???

The 30’s has also imparted me with some timely wisdom
and the ability to
Discern things more than I thought I ever could.

I just know when I am being lied to now days
And I NEVER have to look for the truth

It just finds me…

However, I more forgiving these days, because what I have learned is
Grudges are juvenile and you cant let people dictate your emotions

Nobody is dope enough to control how many times a day I smile..
And I mean
NOBODY

Being in my 30’s continues to show me
that
the stuff I read, dreamed, believed and even conjured up in my mind, about fitting perfectly into that little box they show you in magazines..

is society’s way of saying

“Hey Brown Girl, who you are RIGHT NOW.. isn’t enough”
And I say screw that!
Because

I’m MORE than enough!

32, had its rough points for me. I definitely made some decisions that in hindsight
I’m still trying to figure out what I was thinking..
But I don’t regret anything…

I just learn lessons…

The greatest thing about being in my 30’s is the confidence I have in my words.
And the conversations I have with my friends.
We used to try to fight each other’s battles
Now
We just pray…

I love that

I’m kind of excited about what 33 brings,
because I can honestly say that I’ve been making moves
and I’m seeing the results
of being faithful

over a few things..

To my friends in this Dirty 30 Journey..

Keep growing
Keep fighting
Keep being TRUE to who you are
Keep giving

And most importantly

Keeping Loving…

Happy Birthday!!!!!!!
To me!

Love yall

-ShellZ