*Shrugs Shoulders*

I’ve learned a lot since I have been in my relationship.

 Mostly that it’s hard to balance it..

 Keeping a since of self, maintaining my friendships, and being intentional in my Christian walk is..

H.A.R.D.

I’m a “bestie” to A LOT of people; I filled up a lot of my time when I was single, being of service to others.

I've always been available to pick up the phone to talk folks off the ledge, I rarely said no, and I could just GO! Whenever I wanted to….

That’s not the case anymore. 

I’m committed to a relationship, and I am honoring it because it is what I prayed for.

My money is being saved so I can’t travel like I used to, I have debt to pay off, and things from my past I need to purge from, so that I can not only be good at being a girlfriend….

I would like to succeed at being a wife one day....

I have really tried not to be “that girl” you know the one that falls off the planet when she gets a man and I have tried to keep up with everyone’s life as best I can,

 but I have failed a few people….

  

I feel badly, I have prayed about it, but I refuse to let it infiltrate my happiness.

For so long, I have been on the sideline cheering people on. Holding back my tears at weddings, baby showers, promotions, and house purchases… I’ve had $10 to my name and over drew my account to attend an event or support someone to show my loyalty. I’ve fasted for people, prayed people into new seasons of their lives, and by no means am I the perfect friend...

but

I’ve paid my dues…

People forget that.  They become selfish because you aren’t as available as you were. They make up stories and gossip about how you have “wronged them” as a friend, they tell you that they are happy for you, but secretly they hope your situation fails so that you become accessible to them again.

That hurts. Man…

 I too have struggled with being placed on the back burner in friendships, so I know the feeling all too well.But what I tried to ask myself was; if people were there when I needed them most. If the answer was yes, 

I had to get out of my own way.

 As tough as I’ve tried to be, I have to be honest and say, I’ve let people’s treatment towards me bother me. It’s kept me up at night because I just learned that I have an addiction to approval.  

 I’m losing a few “friendships” along this journey and I am probably just as guilty as they are for letting things go awry.  

It’s my pride. I’m wrong, and I could probably work harder to not be so caught up in my own feelings

But I am tired..

Call me selfish but I feel like I should be able to enjoy this time in my life without having to tend to the wounds of everyone else.  I shouldn’t be scared to share my happy moments because someone is in a rough season of their life.

That’s not fair,

 and 

I’m no longer in the mood for inequality. 

I do have to say that some of my "peeps" have been amazingly supportive of me during this time. One of  my girls said it best

"You will learn the true definition of the word friend when you stop being who people EXPECT you to be, and become who you are supposed to be"

AMEN SISTER! AMEN!!!

I love yall. I’m not perfect..But I love yall.

 I guess this season of my life is showing me....

It is.. what it is....