IDOL GOD

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I sat there in the middle of the floor with my glasses on

however, I couldn’t see a thing….

tears filled up in my eyes but I refused to let them drop

I told myself that I would walk around cloudy eyed before I would ever let

another man see me cry…

and I didn’t

He stood there in the door way, and in that moment I remember thinking

he never seemed that small before…

I guess

 in my MIND

he was larger than life

The silence between us was loud

I heard what he was saying, and he heard me as well

the message was clear

this was the end..

and

it changed me.

Love has a strange way of doing that

It gives you purpose and

 it also takes it away……

I got up off the floor, and stood what seemed miles apart from him

adjusted my posture

and gathered up every ounce of vigor I had left 

and said

“You aren’t my GOD anymore”

he looked at me with pain in his eyes

 and started to form words…

but

I interrupted him before he could even finish..

“There is nothing else to be said from you, I know now what man has never failed me

and I have to love him the way I loved you. As a matter of fact I have to love him more. So please, if you give me nothing else, give me the right to replace you with him. I need that to survive this, its all I have left”

He zipped his coat up, and bent down to pick up the mail he had dropped

looked in my direction

and spoke softly

“OK”

I couldn’t really see the expression on his face

because those cloudy tears in my eyes

hid that from me.

It was supposed to happen that way….

I heard the door close behind him

 I waited 3 minutes and locked the door 

and I did it!

allowed my self to feel pain, gave myself permission to hurt again

and I prayed

to the man that I spoke to him about

to let if go

 to live again

and it was hard

but I managed…..

and I still am

Slowly but surely……….