JUDGING BOOK'S

“I worry; I weigh 3 times my body. I worry, I throw my fear around This morning there’s a calm I cant explain, the rocky candy’s melted only diamonds now remain” –John Mayer



I went to the Grocery Store right down the street from my house
All I was trying to do

Was
Get the ingredients for my Chicken and black bean chili


I see him approaching
Grab what I need quickly so I can move out of his way
He parks his cart diagonal
I have no choice but to give him eye contact
I say

“Excuse me”

I give him a smile; quickly put my empty left finger in my pocket

He barely notices

“You are gorgeous”

“Me?”
“Yes you?”

“Thank you”

He moves the cart slightly to allow me a little space to maneuver
It’s as if he were testing me
Like he’s saying
You can get past here if you really try
Or
You stay here and talk to me

I begin to make my way past…….

He looks down inside my cart
Studies it
Says

“Tomatoes, Onions, Stock, Black beans; you making some kind of soup?”

“Black bean chili with chicken”

His eyebrows raise, he tucks his dreads behind his ears

He starts telling me about how he loves chili and when he makes his he uses beer to thicken the sauce, tells me I shouldn’t use the black beans I have in my cart,
I should use another kind…….

Some time in that moment

When he was speaking

I did what all women do


I SCANNED him

Nice Lips
Slim
Dreadlocks
Timberlands
Jeans
Long John Shirt
Puff Vest
Smells like……..

I can’t quite describe it,
Like……

He’s clean, but has been working hard
Like…

He’s been cleaner…….
But not a smell that’s malevolent
He smell’s like

Auto Zone………

(LOL I know that’s ignorant, but that’s the best way I can describe it)

I imagine in my head that he has a chick and 3 or 4 kids
I snap out of my trance

Say to him sarcastically

“I’ll take into consideration, the whole beer thing when I’m cooking my chili”

“For real?”

“Nah, I probably won’t”

We both chuckle

“I’m telling you it makes a huge difference”

“I’m a creature of habit but thanks for the suggestion”

He looks me dead in my eyes

“A creature of habit huh?.... I bet……”

That comment unnerved me, so I decided to make me great escape

“Well anyway, thanks for your help.. Have a good night”

“Thanks, Lady”

I walked away………………….

He was scanning me too..................................

Short haircut
Grey Slacks
Navy stilettos
Gray, Navy, Brown top
Little bit of booty
Not a WHOLE lot
But enough....

He says quietly, but loud enough for me to hear

“You really are gorgeous”

I turn around and say

“I feel like you really mean that”

“I do”

I don’t take compliments well, and I recognize that about myself
I think I’m an alright looking chick
But gorgeous?

Anyway, I graciously replied

“Thanks again”

I got the rest of my ingredients

(Minus the beer He suggested)

And went to pay

We were checking out at the same time
I paid
Grabbed my bags
and
Increase my speed

Because

I’m not interested in flirting any longer

I load my car

Get inside
I see him walking across the parking lot
Pretending he isn’t looking to see where I went

He was….

He continues to walk across the parking lot
I drive past him

Look through my rear view mirror
He doesn’t get into a car

He’s walking……..

I said out loud to myself

“Hell Nah, and he’s walking…… I’m good”

He catches up with me at the light
Looks into my car
I look straight ahead…

Tell myself

I can’t keep rescuing people........................

Drive off
Go home
Cook my Chili

With no beer

It wasn’t that good this time ..............................

*

*

*

*

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

*Next day

I’m walking to my car to head to work
I see a familiar face approaching
He smiles

He has a nice smile

“Heeeeeey Lady, how was the Chili”

it's him

“Hey, Good morning, it was so/so a little too much tomato paste”

“Did you add the beer to it?”

“No, I probably should have huh?”

he shakes his head at me and smiles

“You didn’t want to listen”

He’s walking over to the dumpster; he takes out his car keys

He has a car………….

for some sick ass reason I smile.......

“You live over here?”

“Mmmmm hmmmm”

“Oh! Well, heeeeey neighbor”

I laugh the laugh of shame

I feel like shit now..


He looks at me as if what I said was real corny

It was....

“Hello again Gorgeous”

He smiles again

There is a pause



I press play

“Well I guess I’ll see you around”

“I guess you will Lady”

we both wave

get in our cars
And head to our destinations............

*
That’s what I get.

Acting all stank
Or was I?
I don’t know this fool
But I do feel bad for judging him because he was walking

He was just doing what I need to do, walk sometimes instead of always cutting on the ignition

I’m not a pretentious or selective person at all
I love everyone

But I think my intent to not date folks
Who need serious reconstruction...

Has me with my guard

TOO HIGH UP…

Honestly,

I wasn’t in the mood for it in the grocery store

I don’t know how to flirt well
I just talk
Laugh
And say

and

act how I feel

the rest is politics to me

I don’t know how else to approach a situation like this one

Anyway,
I don’t know why….
But I feel like I owe him an apology

*IT WON’T HAPPEN

But I feel like I owe him one

Once again, this is me on my journey of self discovery
Learning balance
and
Extremes

I know the scenario is NOT THAT SERIOUS

he proabaly isnt thinking of me

AT ALL

BUT

That’s just me........

Over thinking things…

Always trying to do what’s right.

Regardless,

I thought about it

and

I guess the way I can pay Homage to this brother
is...........................................

Next time I make some Chili

I’ll put beer in it.

*

Yall the one thing I know for sure is
I don’t have it all figured out,
And that’s beautiful

Here’s to living and learning in 2010…………………………



Hope all is well in yalls world

Love yall

ShellZ