Look, Im still growing......sheeeesh!

Insert Loud Music and Chatter from a Crowd

Him: ShellZ how have you been I haven’t seen you since undergrad?

Me: I’m well, (awkward pause) So… how have you been?

Him: Pretty good, just moved here about 2 months ago, trying to get settled and learn my way around, Im (blah blah blah, brag brag brag) but Im still getting lost sometimes though

Me: (awkward pause pt 2, counterfactual yawn look down at my non existent watch)
Yea it takes awhile

Him: I’m not surprised you are here, you always did love music, you look good, and Looks like you are happy and content and stuff , you know I (blah blah blah, brag, pose, pose, brag)

Me: Yeap, Life is great, for the most part I have good people in my circle(Jab) I love my life, my space (uppercut) I’m just trying to remain as positive as possible, You know just being me (TKO)

Him: (Looks me up and down, stares, tries to borrow some time from space) That’s good you deserve that, I like your hair short

Me: Thanks…


Him: So we should hang out sometime, maybe you can show me around. You still work at that school right? Maybe I can come visit you.

Me: How did you know I worked at a school?

Him: (Blank Stare*)
I can’t remember somebody told me you were here working at some school, you know everybody always gives me the scoop

Me: Oh (Thinking to myself could you fall over this balcony already please?)

Him: So like I was saying , we should hang out sometime, I mean you seem like you know all the hot spots and plus I could use a friend

Me: Remember how when we were in college I was always known for “keeping it real”

Him: (Tryna avoid what’s next) Yea I remember your poetry being real; you always did say it like it was, Yea I remember.. (Rocks back and forth)

Me: Glad you remembered because… Nothings changed!

Him: (deep breath) I deserved that, but I was young, tryna build my name, you know how it was

Me: How do I know if I hang out with you this time innocently that you won’t go back and lie to your boys again like you did in school?

Him: Look, ShellZ I was young and I had an image I had to protect, maybe it was stupid for me to say I hit it when I really didn’t , but thats old shit, I felt kinda bad after I said it but……

Me: But….???? (Telling myself dont smack the cow-boy shit out of this lame ass)

Him: Own know, I just was silly and trying to protect my image. (Licks lips, hands through hair, blinks, prays for amnesty) You know how it is right?

Me: Yeap And, I gotta protect mine……………

Him: So you still gonna hold a million year grudge against me?

Me: No, not holding a grudge just protecting my image, you know how it is right?

Him: (sighs, ignores my smart ass-ness)Well can I give you my number? Hopefully you will find it in your heart to forgive me one day

Me: I’ll pass. Look, I’m not trying to hold grudges, or be petty; I just don’t see a purpose in any friendship between us. I think you will be fine here in Charlotte, You will meet friends, and Im sure you have "connects", there are plenty of people from school here, that can hook you up.

I.....I.....

Him: You are still holding grudges...

Me: No just being truthful to who I am, and always was

Him: You still live in __________ near the Harris Teeter?

Me: Awkward pause, (in my head: This nigga is crazy he is stalking me, I need to call and tell someone to make sure I make it home safe tonight)

Yeap how you know (Lying….)

Him: _____ told me they visited you a while back

Me: Oh

Him: So, I guess I just need to give up huh

Me: (sympathy smile) Yea, pretty much

Him: Well it was good to see you ShellZ; Hopefully I will see you around

Me: O.K. well take care, enjoy this city it’s a great place to live

Him: That sounded real fake, almost like a commercial

Me: So did everything that just came out of your mouth…

Him: Wow….(walks away, looks for his next victim)

I believe people change, and maybe he has. Do I care to find out? Nope. Some shit we do to people cuts too deeply.

I’m still scarred and that’s one wound I’m not interested in healing.

Call it stubborn, call it petty. Phased I am not.

Something about that conversation didn’t sit well with me.

It was not genuine.

No I’m sorry, just making excuses for poor behavior. When we grow, we can say

I’m sorry and know that it isn’t about pride, it’s about

making our wrongs, Right Again.

I’ve never been above being checked and if I did some ill shit, no matter how young I was..

I was would illustrate the true testament of growth:

by saying I was sorry.

Like my mother says. I may be some dumb, but honey I aint plum dumb!

"Him"

can get the finger

THE MIDDLE
------------------------------------------------------

*Anyway,

I walked away, Feeling Good.

Forgiving because thats what I needed to do

but not forgetting....

Because, even though the outside looked like a man……….

His actions were that of the same boy,

I learned to loathe.

------------------------------------------

oH and to further illustrate the reason for my behavior I wrote him a letter

Dear "Him",

Little do you know people always give me "the scoop" too. I know you are living with your ex, jobless, behind on child support, broke and needing some serious help. I would help you (yall know I really would) If you would just keep it real and admit you are an ass. But you never will so.. Happy trails!

Dueces

ShellZ

*** Some content was changed to protect the IGNORANT....

Hope all is well in yalls world,

Love yall (dont have to like ya to love ya)

Shellz