Naked

I decided that 2011 is about me living
my truth
And with that being said

I have a confession to make

And
the confession comes as the direct result of a statement my friend made the other night
 We
were talking about my writing
And

why I haven’t finished my

“project”

((Sigh))

As always, I started to give him a million excuses

Saying things like

I haven’t written because
Ive been
here

And there

And have dedicated my time to helping people
And been involved with this or that

And he said to me

“ShellZ you give so much of yourself to the world, that you are afraid to conquer it’



and
he’s right.

Man
He is right….



That’s my confession yall

I am afraid



Afraid of criticism

Afraid that these words that are the direct result of
my life
and are
things that illustrate
Who I am
will become

or
 want to be

Will  some how
fall on

deaf ears..



It scares me to think that
That people will see my works and be unmoved

that

They wont love it
Or more importantly they
Wont

GET IT



Look, I’m just now coming to terms with my talents
and how to process this whole thing..

I remember when I talking to another friend via twitter who is a D.J. and he said

“Music isn’t a hobby for me, its who I am”

and it hit me
being a writer is my passion

but I’m still trying to figure out

if its who I am





The idea of
Publishing my work is scary

Because people can be so critical…



Yall



I’ve sent my work to people and had them psycho analyze me because of it
Asking me If I am in pain

Or if I have ever sought clinical advice because of the words I used
People read my blog and later call me fishing for additional information
asking who I am referring to
if its them
 Wanting to discuss how I arrived at the place I was in

and
that drives me crazy


Seriously,
 there is no science to my words
Aren't I just saying the things that
everyone feels?

The only difference between you and I is
that
I just put my stuff in Times New Roman
and

Make it

bold print

Anyway

Since I am confessing
you must know
Additionally
I am afraid of being edited
Arranged
Crucified

Or

Continuously feeling how I’ve been feeling



OVERLOOKED

I know
that

There is a flaw in my personality that I need to work on
most
and that's being
a people pleaser

I am the type of person who will get positive feedback from
 29 out of 30 people
and

Focus most

on what that 1 negative person said



I have haters
(hell don’t we all)
and I use them as motivation
but in some twisted way

I also allow them to hold me back…

I can think of one person right now who
Literally makes my skin cringe because no matter what I say or do

She cant find within herself to see
ANY
 good in me

But that’s not my problem..


I have realized that in the case of this person
I am a reflection of who she wishes she could be
And that’s got to be a hard pill
to swallow



So I’m done..

Done letting simple ass people
Hold me back
Done being afraid of my greatness
Done being worried about who will or wont love the things I say

and the first step to staying on track
is to
get undressed
get emotionally naked
bare myself
and
say it!

Say I am terrified of living outside of the lines
Especially
when it comes to
my writing
Say
that things in my past have caused me to actually believe
that I cant be good enough
 at this

I gonna free myself and say
I lack confidence
that I feel like I am standing here
 Screaming
Yelling to the top of my lungs
and
 everyone else
hears
Nothing.........


Now
I gotta focus on the people who do think I am dope
Who text me and say things like

“I miss your words”



Why wouldn’t I focus on that?
I don't know why am I so afraid?



There are so many areas in which I could care less about what people think of me

For example in my dress
I get up get dressed and
I do me

I don’t care about matching or fitting into some corporate mold

I like my personal style
And I have NEVER cared about what people thought



I also don’t care what people think of my views on
Politics, religion, etc

Because
I live in regards to what feels right in my spirit
All the other Jargon I don’t deal with…


But
when it comes to my words…
I am not that strong

And I know its because this

“project”

Is my baby

My heart beat
The life line to my past
Present
And future


And its asking a lot of me
(my biggest critic)
to share that with the world…..



I just wanted yall to know what I am struggling with
This isn’t some plea for positive feedback

I am blessed because you guys give me a lot of that already


I just needed to come clean
Strip all the way down
and I did

So...
Here I am